Monday, February 16, 2015

My Fall from Grace

While I was planning what I wanted to say for this post, I kept debating with myself about posting my current weight. Why I am embarrassed to admit, I have gain some of my weight back. I am terrified to post my current weight on this blog, however I am going to. Or not. Yes, I will. No. Yes. No. Yes. I am going to, even though I am terrified to do so.

(Deep breathe, Laura!)

(Yes, I took a deep breathe, at least a dozen. Probably way more.)

Earlier this week, I weighed 281. You can probably see why I am embarrassed to admit it because it’s roughly 50 pounds that I have gained. This is definitely more than I would ever want to gain and I can’t believe I am so close to weighing 300 pounds again.

Regardless of the excuses that I used (and trust me, I used many!) this weight continued to add on because of my bad habits that I reverted back to thus causing my rear end to widen yet again. As I wrote my first draft of this post, I sat praying that I won’t have to move too much because I feared my pants would split. I didn’t realize how much weight I was actually gaining until this morning when I was getting ready to leave the house. I tried one pair of pants on first, they would not budge higher than my thighs. They were definitely not buttoning up, no matter how much I wiggled and jumped around. After changing into another pair, which I was able to button, I started walking very slowly, in fear that my pants would split and I would be reminded of a can of biscuits opening. After I buttoned those pants, I looked in the mirror and saw myself completely different than before. Even though I look at myself in the mirror everyday, I realize that I look completely different than what I did roughly 1 year ago. Most of my bad habits came back and boom there I am, looking at my 281 pound self in the mirror.

To be honest, I feel like I have wasted time. I have sabotaged myself because I am much further away from my ultimate goal. I’m not starting from scratch, but it sure feels like it. I have been a part of some very special events recently and when I look back at pictures, I dislike the way I looked. (At first I had the word “hate” but changed it to “dislike” because I was rockin’ some very cute dresses and my sassy nude heels!)

How have I gained 50 pounds back? I kept telling myself “You can eat bad just this one night, then restart tomorrow”. When tomorrow would come, same excuse. Day after day, week after week, same excuse. I would have a few good days, but not nearly enough to make a difference.  

I realize that why I think I have made a lifestyle change, I clearly did not.

I am so apprehensive to share this post because I didn’t want anyone to know that I am struggling, but I am still struggling and that ultimately why I wanted to share this. 

4 comments:

  1. Laura I just read your article on theweightwewere.com and found your blog link there. I know it's been a few months since you posted here, but I just want to encourage you! You have come a long way and there's no reason to stop now.

    I too have been on a healthy lifestyle journey for the past 2.5 years. I started over 300 and lost about 70 pounds in the first 9 months. I've been on a plateau ever since and I've been highly frustrated by it! But I tell myself that at least I'm maintaining. When I do happen to notice a gain on the scale, it can feel like a complete tragedy (dramatic, I know)...

    Just KEEP GOING!! I promise you the number will go back down. I would encourage you to set your mind against all fast food - don't even let yourself see it as an option. Get back to drinking lots of water and have healthy snacks around (I love those little Halo/Cutie oranges this time of year). And make sure you don't buy any junk food at the store. I know you probably already know all of this, but sometimes we just need a refresher, you know?

    I'm here for you anytime. Please don't give up - you ARE on track to make a real lifestyle change. There is power in the words we tell ourselves. You are beautiful and strong enough to do this! Find me at shebirdie.com and SHEbirdie on Facebook.

    xo Mel

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