While I was planning what I wanted to say for this post, I
kept debating with myself about posting my current weight. Why I am embarrassed
to admit, I have gain some of my weight back. I am terrified to post my current
weight on this blog, however I am going to. Or not. Yes, I will. No. Yes. No.
Yes. I am going to, even though I am terrified to do so.
(Deep breathe, Laura!)
(Yes, I took a deep breathe, at least a dozen. Probably way more.)
Earlier this week, I weighed 281. You can probably see why I
am embarrassed to admit it because it’s roughly 50 pounds that I have gained. This
is definitely more than I would ever want to gain and I can’t believe I am so
close to weighing 300 pounds again.
Regardless of the excuses that I used (and trust me, I used
many!) this weight continued to add on because of my bad habits that I reverted
back to thus causing my rear end to widen yet again. As I wrote my first draft
of this post, I sat praying that I won’t have to move too much because I feared
my pants would split. I didn’t realize how much weight I was actually gaining
until this morning when I was getting ready to leave the house. I tried one
pair of pants on first, they would not budge higher than my thighs. They were definitely
not buttoning up, no matter how much I wiggled and jumped around. After
changing into another pair, which I was able to button, I started walking very
slowly, in fear that my pants would split and I would be reminded of a can of
biscuits opening. After I buttoned those pants, I looked in the mirror and saw myself
completely different than before. Even though I look at myself in the mirror
everyday, I realize that I look completely different than what I did roughly 1
year ago. Most of my bad habits came back and boom there I am, looking at my
281 pound self in the mirror.
To be honest, I feel like I have wasted time. I have
sabotaged myself because I am much further away from my ultimate goal. I’m not
starting from scratch, but it sure feels like it. I have been a part of some
very special events recently and when I look back at pictures, I dislike the
way I looked. (At first I had the word “hate” but changed it to “dislike”
because I was rockin’ some very cute dresses and my sassy nude heels!)
How have I gained 50 pounds back? I kept telling myself “You
can eat bad just this one night, then restart tomorrow”. When tomorrow would
come, same excuse. Day after day, week after week, same excuse. I would have a
few good days, but not nearly enough to make a difference.
I realize that why I think I have made a lifestyle change, I
clearly did not.
I am so apprehensive to share this post because I didn’t
want anyone to know that I am struggling, but I am still struggling and that
ultimately why I wanted to share this.
